Down The Rabbit Hole

It is bad enough just losing one’s wallet and its contents.   But for me, and people like me with Asperger’s, it is really much more than that.   The stress of having to deal with all the complications of getting bank cards and ID cards and Soc Sec Cards and other things replaced, can and is overwhelming.   And when I’m overwhelmed, such as today, I have a tendency to shut down.  I retreat into my own head, try to shut everything out and create a though zone in my head where there is no stress.  Once created, I’m reluctant to leave it.

But, given my situation, if I don’t act fast, and am not diligent in my pursuit of fixing this situation, it may very well lead to me falling deep into depression and despair that is almost impossible to get out of.   The complexity of that will be 10 times worse because it will also happen while I’m homeless.

I am aware that up until this point I have been purposely skirting the edge of homelessness, trying to protect myself  and prevent myself from falling deeper into that hole.   There are aspects of San Diego homelessness that I have been purposely avoiding.  Anyone would avoid these things if they had the resources to avoid them.     Also, I am still reluctant to give myself fully to the homeless experience here.   Mostly, I believe, because to do so is to admit that I’m no longer in control of my own situation, and that I’ll become subject to the whims of others, the people who operate homeless facilities, allowing them to dictate the terms of my life.   They’ll be telling me when I can shower, and when I can eat, and when I can sleep.   It’s very hard to give up the autonomy, the control, over such basic aspects of your life.   It’s not a good place to be, down this rabbit hole.


About Kevin Barbieux

I have been diagnosed as being chronically homeless. I write about my experiences and opinions of being homeless
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