But, given my situation, if I don’t act fast, and am not diligent in my pursuit of fixing this situation, it may very well lead to me falling deep into depression and despair that is almost impossible to get out of. The complexity of that will be 10 times worse because it will also happen while I’m homeless.
I am aware that up until this point I have been purposely skirting the edge of homelessness, trying to protect myself and prevent myself from falling deeper into that hole. There are aspects of San Diego homelessness that I have been purposely avoiding. Anyone would avoid these things if they had the resources to avoid them. Also, I am still reluctant to give myself fully to the homeless experience here. Mostly, I believe, because to do so is to admit that I’m no longer in control of my own situation, and that I’ll become subject to the whims of others, the people who operate homeless facilities, allowing them to dictate the terms of my life. They’ll be telling me when I can shower, and when I can eat, and when I can sleep. It’s very hard to give up the autonomy, the control, over such basic aspects of your life. It’s not a good place to be, down this rabbit hole.