This is all due to having Aspergers Syndrome, a form of high functioning autism that I was born with, and of which I have little to no control over.
This lack of ability in communication causes several problems. Firstly, we all learn by talking to each other, and so all the things that people know and understand about life, through talking, well, I’ve missed out on that stuff. I don’t know those things, many of which are crucial for maintaining good relationships with people.
Secondly, because I don’t talk very much, people have little opportunity to get to know me. The problem here is that people will gather information about me from other people, and most of those other people will have me wrong to one degree or another. So, people usually have assumed me to be one way, when I’m actually another. When I was a teen and not socializing, the thing many people focused on was that I never had a girl friend and so they assumed I was gay. Of course these people were not bright enough to see that I wasn’t socializing with males or females. My brother’s wife was one such person, and she really seemed to enjoy the gossipy salaciousness of that idea. She also assumed (wrongly) that I did not like her, being that I never talked to her. Again, her short-sightedness, like most everyone else’s, prevented her from seeing that I wasn’t talking to anyone, not just her. Funny how people just assume something negative when they don’t really understand something
Still, in my ignorance, or perhaps better stated, my naiveté, I was always committing social faux pas, whenever I did try to socialize. I’ve said and done more than my share of things that were dumb, or insulting, or mean, or just plain odd. Even when people made an attempt to befriend me, it wasn’t long before I was motivating them to distance themselves.
Worse yet is that this revelation about Aspergers has come only recently, after most of my life has passed by. There is little time left with which to create something better for myself, let alone repair all the damage done over the years. Nearly every one thinks that my behavior, which seemed to be “anti-social” was done purposefully, and so they don’t want anything to do with me. Even after explaining my issue with Aspergers, people are reluctant to work with me to overcome and heal the past.
People have labeled me as “anti-social” which really is the furthest thing from the truth. There’s nothing I like more than socializing with people, on rare occasion I can actually make it happen. And I understand the need for socializing. Good healthy relationships depend on it. And all humans need relationships with others to maintain their own health. I am very much “pro-social”. Sadly I am unable to communicate that to people.