First off, I know my son is angry at me, divorce is so unfair to children, it’s natural that my kids be pissed off for it. But it’s also natural that the people involved in such things talk about them, so to be able to process what happened in a healthy way. What I worry about is that he refuses to talk about anything with me. It may very well be that he won’t talk with me because that’s something that I really want to do. So, him denying me the chance to talk with him is his way of getting back at me. I hurt him so he wants to hurt me back.
Oh well, I can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to. And for so long I just waited for him to come around to talking with me, waited for him to contact me so that we could have a more normal relationship. When I talked to people about it, they’d always tell that my kids would eventually come around, wanting to get to know their father. Sadly that never happened. I guess the anger got in the way of that happening.
The big issue for me is that, from what my son said last, he has some mistaken ideas about me, the divorce and why I wasn’t around. Well, just briefly I’m going to explain some thing there in the hopes that one day he reads this.
I want him to know that I did everything I could possibly do to stay connected to him and his sister, and that the only reason I wasn’t there was because their mother pushed me away. Sadly, being that she had more resources than I did, she won out on that. She put a restraining order on me and then a charge of stalking. Now before you go thinking that I was doing something wrong here, know this – She said she did that because she was trying to date again and was afraid that me being around would scare off her potential suiters. And she tried having me charged with other crimes as well, which were ridiculous and cops told me as much. But still she had created conditions that made it impossible for me to even attempt to see my kids. Although I was initially granted visitation rights with my kids after the divorce, she never honored them. Eventually she changed her phone number and then moved without telling me where she was taking the kids. I had no idea where my kids were.
Sure, there’s a lot more to this, but this gets across the main point I want to make. I very much wanted to be there for my kids and did everything I could think of to do, so to be involved in my kids life, but I faced resistance at every turn from my exwife. She kept me away. My kids blame me for not “being there.” for them. I want them to know that it wasn’t for my lack of trying. If they want to be pissed at someone for me not being around, they should talk to there mother. I’m sure she’ll still try to defend herself with some bull shit story, but again, if my kids ever want to know more about the divorce, I am very much open to talking about.
On another note, the violence on the streets at night seems to be getting worse, more fights, more arguments, and that always leads to less sleep. I feel like I’m getting better as far as my cold is concerned but the lack of sleep is still causing me to feel weak. On top of that my general health is not good. Again, it seems that my 12 years of spending 12 hours a day on a computer on the internet has kinda ruined me. I can get winded just walking a couple blocks. Since I obviously have an addiction issue with this laptop and the internet, I need to take a break from it, at least for a while. You may not see posts from me for a while. (although I do feel like I have said just about everything I could about homelessness, already)
As usual I am in need of donations so to make it through to the end of the month. Food is expensive here, Paypal donations would go towards feeding me til the end of the month.
Cameran and Sara – I’m very sorry that I could not be the dad you needed me to be. I miss you so much, and my heart breaks every day, knowing that I lost you. I’m sorry.